I'm Too Old

Have you heard this before, "I'm too old to care about being polite"? Or something along those lines.

What is that really? Too old? So what you're telling me is that you never were polite on the inside, but you were young enough to know better at one point and were only behaving yourself? I find myself being acquainted with a certain person who is aging. I had a deep respect for their business mind, character, and integrity. I would talk with them at length about such dealings and would listen intently. But true to my form, I am an observer of people and life in general. I watch an awful lot. And I have seen a steady decline in the moral fiber of this person of business I once admired.

It seems as if they have reached a point in their life where they would say, "I'm too old to do the right thing or treat people well." So the question I'm asking is this, was it all a farce? Do we spend our lives covering up who we really are inside to only have our true selves revealed in our senior years when we are just too old to care what others think?

Will I be one of those that when they are too old to care about being proper and upright, will be unkind to a care giver because I feel entitled to a certain level of care? Will the internal flaws I deal with now surface in the years when I want people to look at me and say "She's a wise, sweet old lady and I like her spunk." Or will they walk away shaking their head thinking they never knew the real me, call me a hypocrite, see my true colors and wonder why they wasted the time.

Maybe that's why I am so adamant about being authentic, real and a teller of truth. Sharing my struggles (to a degree) with others. I figure if I struggle with something, then maybe someone else may too and my sharing could help them. I'm kind of at a loss in all this. It's come as a blow really.

Maybe when we try to show outwardly who we want to be in our own strength and power we can only keep that up for so long and then the steam runs out. Maybe it's when we surrender those struggles to God with the idea that He's the only one that can work on us to making lasting change that is real instead of change made in our humanity. Or if you allow the work to happen at a younger age, then it just becomes a part of who you are, part of your DNA.

I don't want to ever reach a point in my life where treating people well is something I don't care about. Where having integrity is a chore. I want that to be woven so deeply within me that this won't be something I will have to question. It will just be.

Walls of Perfume

I have a daughter. She is an amazing little person. I look at her sometimes and wonder where the last 10 years have gone. She truly is the most beautiful young lady I have ever seen. Her hair is thick and long and golden blonde. Her eyes are blue and caring. Her skin tans like a champ even through sunblock. She has the sweetest dimples when she smiles. And her laugh... her laugh can turn my day around, make me stop my housework and send me into giggling myself. She has an advanced sense of humor, impeccable timing with jokes and can do imitations better than anyone I know. But those are superficial.

What makes her the most beautiful to me is the person she has become. She loves people. She is kind, considerate, gentle and caring. She is, and always has been, happy to be wherever she is. She can make a friend out of thin air because everyone she meets has potential.

I am 100% in love with this bewildering princess.

The past week and a half, I have been walking the mile loop in our neighborhood after dinner. And each time I have asked her if she would like to walk with me. It has become one of the most wonderful pieces of my day. I think back about how I have spent my time in the evenings before I started this and it was never with her alone. The conversations we have had and the questions she is asking at this age are scary and wonderful all at the same time. And I think, when would she have asked that question if we didn't have this time alone? Would she have sought me out and specifically asked or would she have asked a friend and gotten incorrect information?

I love that she is comfortable asking about how her body is changing and what life was like when she was an infant, why do cars stop at the white line at a stoplight, can mosquitoes see color, why is soda pop bad for us, if milk is to feed babies, why are we drinking it? She is light to me!

So the other morning as I was getting ready for work, I walked into my bedroom and smelled this heavenly fragrance. I turned the corner into the bathroom and it was stronger. It wasn't the air freshener, but my best bottle of perfume. I went out and asked who had sprayed it and she confessed. I explained that it was costly and that if she wanted to wear some I would help her put it on next time. As I walked back down the hall with a grin on my face, I realized that she wanted to smell like me. Just like when her Nana got her a pair of sandals with a heel and she told me "Now I sound like you when I walk."

But the thing is, I don't believe any of the perfume made it on her body. I think she sprayed the wall on accident. And so for four days now my bathroom has reminded me that my daughter is always watching. She wants to be like me. And sometimes perfume on the wall is a good thing, because it reminds me to be who I want my daughter to grow into.

I wish you could know her the way I do, and you too would fall in love.