So I was re-reading tonight some bits of the bible that I had touched on a few days ago. For those of you who read the bible, you will understand the idea that you can read a passage and have it mean something to you that time and then read that same passage another time and it can speak to you in a completely different way.
And that is where I am finding myself.
This certain section of Isaiah meant nothing out of the ordinary to me 36 hours ago, but today, after the internal struggles I've been through, this passage is larger than life.
"O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will build you with stones of turquoise,
your foundations with sapphires.
I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones."
What could this possibly do for me? How could this archaic ramble be relevant in my day to day?
I have had some storms. Some big storms. Where I didn't feel comforted in the slightest. I felt completely alone. I felt I had no one to turn to. And when I did reach out for help, I was dismissed, pushed aside, not valued. I was afflicted. I was distressed with mental pain and greatly troubled. Damage was done. Deep.
But this... this tells me that He will rebuild ALL that was destroyed and make it beautiful. He will rebuild my self-esteem and make me feel majestic. He will fix the cracks in my heart and my love will be exquisite. Those harsh words I speak to myself because they were spoken to me, He will replace them with words that are loving and divine. The body that I have been given and wreaked havoc on, not respected, not loved, pushed aside... somehow, He will make it beautiful and precious.
And maybe God has already done some of these things in me. I believe He has started the work of rebuilding some of what was destroyed. I can see where he is bringing beauty from the ashes. But I think the bigger step for me is to stop looking at myself through the scars and start looking at myself through His eyes. Because He loves me. He sees me through the eyes of Jesus who IS love. I want to see what God sees. And maybe if I see what God sees, then maybe... just maybe, I will value the creation he calls Reena.
Maybe I will care about what I put in my body the same way I care about what my kids eat. Maybe I will care that I am active enough so that my body is working in a healthy way, the same way I care for my kids activity levels. Maybe I will speak encouraging words to my heart.
I want to see what God sees. Yeah, that's what I want. Because when He looks at me, he shakes his head, smiles and says "Man, I love that extraordinary woman." That's what I want to see.